In honour of Heritage Day, I have decided to rerun an article I wrote some years back on the People You Find Around Your Braai. For those who read it and remember it “Enjoy the refresher” (This means ‘don’t write to me and bitch and moan’) and for the rest, enjoy the day off on Thursday, light a fire, have a few mates around and work out who’s who at your Heritage Day Braai.

Braai

A while back I spent a couple of days with Sam ForFree. Now in Sam’s presence the whole world seems funny! By way of introduction Sam ForFree is my web guru who helped me put TooMuchCoffee together and every time I need a new feature or an upgrade Sam is there to take my call and help (except between 2am and 6am).

In light of my Customer, Waiter and Complaint analysis Sam believes there are 5 distinct individuals you will find around every South African Braai (That is the local term for a BBQ). There is the Sports Fan, The Ex Rece, The Ladies Man, The Mechanic, and The “I wish I was at home reading a book” Guy.

The Sports FanSport Fan TooMuchCoffee
This guy has been there, seen that and bought the T-Shirt. Personally he has never kicked, caught or thrown a ball in his life but there is nothing he doesn’t know about any sport including but not restricted to Zorbing There is no statistic he can’t correct you on and no coach who couldn’t benefit from his wisdom. He supports Australian Cricket, New Zealand Rugby, Manchester United, Nadal at the French Open, Federer at Wimbledon and in fact just about anyone who will probably win. He drinks Castle because that is THE sponsors brew.


The Recce TooMuchCoffeeThe Ex Rece
Short for Reconnaissance Division, an elite military unit, The Ex Rece will be wearing Khaki and sporting a Spyderco knife. He can kill a man at twenty paces just with a glance. He will start off very quietly but as the Klippies and Coke begins to disappear and the subject moves to violence, crime and what to do about it, you can expect him to come into his own. He keeps himself in tip top shape just in case his country ever needs to call on him again.

The Ladies ManLadies Man TooMuchCoffee
Who in their right mind comes to a braai wearing THOSE clothes? All the labels are on the outside and his ‘these are especially made to look old jeans cost more than even he can afford. He has a couple of sexist jokes to share and is quite sure the Rece’s girlfriend has been secretly staring at him all the time. He just hopes the Ex Rece doesn’t notice, after all he is a lover not a fighter. He will be drinking an imported beer or a glass of wine that he doesn’t really enjoy but it makes him look good.

Mechanic TooMuchCoffeeThe Mechanic
Easy to spot by the grease that is so ingrained in his knuckles that even a roll of sandpaper wouldn’t make the slightest difference. He knows cars! Not like you and I know cars, he knows then inside and out, in fact you may be wondering if he has in fact ever had carnal knowledge with one. You know the top speed and fuel consumption on a number of models and occasionally even pick up a Car magazine while you are waiting for your Bee-Emm to be serviced, this guys knows Air Filter, Brake Line, Camber, Differential, Exhaust Manifold, Flywheel, Gasket, Hydraulic System, Inhibitor, Jumper Cables, Kingpin, Lateral Run Out and so on. He still can’t believe the stopped making Lion and would drink Castrol Engine Oil if there weren’t so many people around. Don’t tell him what car you drive because he will proceed to tell you why you just dropped over 200k on a piece of sh!t.

The “I wish I was at home reading a book” GuyGeek TooMuchCoffee
This is the new boyfriend of one of the sports fans wife’s best friends. You didn’t want him here and he doesn’t want to be here. He would rather be reading a book or surfing the Internet right now, in fact he would rather be home pushing pins under his nails than listening to this rubbish. He will say absolutely NOTHING the entire visit and will not even be able to remember one person’s name when he tries to lie to his girlfriend on the way home about how much he enjoyed himself. He will drink a soft drink and may even be spotted wiping the rim of the glass before he takes his first sip. He will probably go home at the end of the evening and write about the other guys at the braai in his blog!

So to Sam ForFree I offer my gratitude for the inspiration behind this post and most of what is great about TooMuchCoffee. You are a scholar, a gentleman and a … (only you know what goes here!)

You can get hold of Sam ForFree through Propono-Hosting

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