Legal Disclaimer: By accepting this agreement, you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Sincerely,

(Name withheld for legal, social and cultural considerations.)

We don’t have a Starbucks in South Africa yet, but we do have plenty of sarcasm and my favourite place for my daily dose is THE SARCAMIST and yesterdays article is certainly worth reposting. All credit to The Sarcamist!

You can get your daily dose of sarcasm by becoming a fan of theirs on FACEBOOK. Here is one of my favourite quotes on the subject… “I’m not so good with the advice… Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” -Chandler Bing

“Starbucks has found a way to offer a truly great cup of coffee that you can prepare by just adding water.”

Hmm, so you mean like instant coffee?

“We believe other instant coffees taste flat and lifeless. Starbucks VIA™ Ready Brew is different – it’s full-bodied and flavorful, just like the Starbucks® coffee you know and love.

I thought your customers were flat and lifeless (after paying $5 for a latte), but what do I know.

One of the headings on the Starbucks VIA™ web page reads “How Starbucks VIA™ Can Change Your Life”, and is followed by “It’s pretty revolutionary, when you think about it. With Starbucks VIA™, great coffee can be yours anytime, anywhere. A life-altering concept, with tasty consequences, to be sure. But with endless possibilities for enjoyment,…”

Revolutionary? Life-altering? Wow! And there are endless possibilities, it seems. Odd, I was under the impression that the only possibility was to enjoy a cup of coffee, but I’m sure the coffee scientists know better.

The kind Starbucks people have also gone out of their way to develop a guide about how best to enjoy VIA™.

“We’ve put together a handy little guide to help you answer that very question. Have a read through for suggestions on how to make the most of Starbucks VIA™. Then invent some yourself and share them here with us.”

I always want to pull out a guidebook for coffee making when I’m in rush and want to make instant coffee before dashing off to wherever I am going. Another giant leap for mankind.

A few Word shortcuts you may not know:

* CTRL+[ – Decrease font size 1 point
* CTRL+] – Increase font size 1 point
* CTRL+SPACEBAR – Remove paragraph or character formatting
* ALT+CTRL+C – The copyright symbol
* ALT+CTRL+R – The registered trademark symbol
* ALT+CTRL+T – The trademark symbol
* CTRL+PAGE UP – Move to the previous edit location
* CTRL+PAGE DOWN – Move to the next edit location
* ALT+CTRL+I – Switch in or out of print preview
* CTRL+K – Insert a hyperlink
* SHFT+ENTER – A line break
* CTRL+ENTER – A page break
* CTRL+BACKSPACE – Delete one word to the
* CTRL+DELETE – Delete one word to the right
* CTRL+SHFT+K – Format letters as small capitals
* CTRL+EQUAL SIGN – Apply subscript formatting
* CTRL+SHFT+PLUS SIGN – Apply superscript formatting
* CTRL+SHFT+W – Underline words but not spaces
* CTRL+SHFT+D – Double-underline text

To use all Word 2007 shortcuts without remembering them, press the ALT key when you have a word document open, and the shortcut keys appear over the button they apply to.

To add your own shortcuts, click the Microsoft Office button and choose Word Options. Click Customize and then click the Keyboard Shortcuts button at the bottom of the window. In the Customize Keyboard dialog box, select the command you want to apply shortcut to. Press the shortcut key you want to assign to the command and click Assign to store the new shortcut key. Click OK.

And you thought you were never going to learn anything of any use on this site! Ha, just goes to show.

So it only took me a few months to work this out… I am slow but thorough.

You can CLICK HERE to follow me on Twitter

You can CLICK HERE to download TweetDeck

The Lyrics

Nkosi sikelel’ iAfrika
Maluphakanyisw’ uphondo lwayo,
Yizwa imithandazo yethu,
Nkosi sikelela, thina lusapho lwayo.

Morena boloka setjhaba sa heso,
O fedise dintwa la matshwenyeho,
O se boloke, O se boloke setjhaba sa heso,
Setjhaba sa South Afrika – South Afrika.

Uit die blou van onse hemel,
Uit die diepte van ons see,
Oor ons ewige gebergtes,
Waar die kranse antwoord gee,

Sounds the call to come together,
And united we shall stand,
Let us live and strive for freedom,
In South Africa our land.

The Video

A while back I spent a couple of days with Sam ForFree. Now in Sam’s presence the whole world seems funny! By way of introduction Sam ForFree is my web guru who helped me put TooMuchCoffee together and every time I need a new feature or an upgrade Sam is there to take my call and help (except between 2am and 6am).

In light of my Customer, Waiter and Complaint analysis Sam believes there are 5 distinct individuals you will find around every South African Braai (That is the local term for a BBQ). There is the Sports Fan, The Ex Rece, The Ladies Man, The Mechanic, and The “I wish I was at home reading a book” Guy.

The Sports Fan
This guy has been there, seen that and bought the T-Shirt. Personally he has never kicked, caught or thrown a ball in his life but there is nothing he doesn’t know about any sport including but not restricted to Zorbing There is no statistic he can’t correct you on and no coach who couldn’t benefit from his wisdom. He supports Australian Cricket, New Zealand Rugby, Manchester United, Nadal at the French Open, Federer at Wimbledon and in fact just about anyone who will probably win. He drinks Castle because that is THE sponsors brew.

The Ex Rece
Short for Reconnaissance Division, an elite military unit, The Ex Rece will be wearing Khaki and sporting a Spyderco knife. He can kill a man at twenty paces just with a glance. He will start off very quietly but as the Klippies and Coke begins to disappear and the subject moves to violence, crime and what to do about it, you can expect him to come into his own. He keeps himself in tip top shape just in case his country ever needs to call on him again.

The Ladies Man
Who in their right mind comes to a braai wearing THOSE clothes? All the labels are on the outside and his ‘these are especially made to look old jeans cost more than even he can afford. He has a couple of sexist jokes to share and is quite sure the Rece’s girlfriend has been secretly staring at him all the time. He just hopes the Ex Rece doesn’t notice, after all he is a lover not a fighter. He will be drinking an imported beer or a glass of wine that he doesn’t really enjoy but it makes him look good.

The Mechanic
Easy to spot by the grease that is so ingrained in his knuckles that even a roll of sandpaper wouldn’t make the slightest difference. He knows cars! Not like you and I know cars, he knows then inside and out, in fact you may be wondering if he has in fact ever had carnal knowledge with one. You know the top speed and fuel consumption on a number of models and occasionally even pick up a Car magazine while you are waiting for your Bee-Emm to be serviced, this guys knows Air Filter, Brake Line, Camber, Differential, Exhaust Manifold, Flywheel, Gasket, Hydraulic System, Inhibitor, Jumper Cables, Kingpin, Lateral Run Out and so on. He still can’t believe the stopped making Lion and would drink Castrol Engine Oil if there weren’t so many people around. Don’t tell him what car you drive because he will proceed to tell you why you just dropped over 200k on a piece of sh!t.

The “I wish I was at home reading a book” Guy
This is the new boyfriend of one of the sports fans wife’s best friends. You didn’t want him here and he doesn’t want to be here. He would rather be reading a book or surfing the Internet right now, in fact he would rather be home pushing pins under his nails than listening to this rubbish. He will say absolutely NOTHING the entire visit and will not even be able to remember one person’s name when he tries to lie to his girlfriend on the way home about how much he enjoyed himself. He will drink a soft drink and may even be spotted wiping the rim of the glass before he takes his first sip. He will probably go home at the end of the evening and write about the other guys at the braai in his blog!

So to Sam ForFree I offer my gratitude for the inspiration behind this post and most of what is great about TooMuchCoffee. You are a scholar, a gentleman and a … (only you know what goes here!)

You can get hold of Sam ForFree through Propono-Hosting

There is so much hype and hypothetical theory surrounding the laws around smoking that I have decided to put together “An Owners Guide” on the subject. Please note that although this document is not legally binding, the information has been researched and checked to ensure it is all correct.

I will NOT attempt to debate the moral or ethical side of the law or how it may affect businesses positively or negatively; I will simply lay out the rules in a simple format that may save you a lot of money and a lot of aggravation.

Let’s start with Rule Number One! Rule number one simply states that YOU MAY NOT SMOKE ANYWHERE EXCEPT IN YOUR OWN HOME OR OUTDOORS (And even that is restricted where people congregate). That’s it! This is not a debate about personal freedom or rights or choice or restrictions on earnings… It’s a health law. No Smoking!

Then the law goes on to say, “hey we will make exceptions in certain establishments like restaurants, bars, clubs, hotels, casinos etc BUT only if you comply with all the provisions in CLAUSE 3.”

So what exactly does CLAUSE 3 say? Well CLAUSE three has four provisions and only compliance with all four provisions allows you to have a “Smoking Area”. Note, all four! Although 2 out of 4 may be a pass mark at school, it doesn’t apply to the smoking rule.

Provision 1: The area concerned must be less than 25% of EACH section SEPARATELY. Now listen to this part carefully because it is the one area where most people fall short. This in effect means that if you have a restaurant and a bar you MAY NOT make the restaurant non-smoking and the complete bar smoking even if it (The bar) is less than 25% of the total area. The law states that you may make 25% of the restaurant and 25% of the bar into a smoking area. The same applies to hotels who try to make an entire bar the smoking area because it is less than 25% of the hotel floor space. Each section of space is treated separately and the 25% rule is applied to each one.

Provision 2: These smoking areas must be totally separated from the rest of the establishment by SOLID partitions and must have a closing SOLID door. This means, NO open windows, NO air curtains, NO open entrances. No person must be forced to walk through this area in order to gain access to another section of the establishment i.e. toilets, cashiers, kitchen, other sections etc.

Provision 3: This section must be SEPARATELY VENTILATED, exhausting directly to the outside. This means that you may not rely on the same ventilation system that runs the rest of the establishment regardless of how powerful it is or what certification you have for it.

Provision 4: Clear and compliant signage must be displayed in both the smoking and non-smoking areas.

So that’s it, either you are in compliance or you are not. Now let’s chat about the penalties for non compliance. I would like to make it clear that the law makes it the clear and legal obligation of the owner or person on duty to ensure that people do not smoke in non-smoking areas. We can all argue till we are blue in the face about “not being policemen” about “there are more important things to worry about” about “personal freedom and choice” about “this is how I earn my income” but, none of these will stand up in court.

The penalty for non-compliance is up to R50 000 but it does not stop there! Should you be found guilty or pay an admission of guilt fine, you will have a criminal record and this may adversely affect your ability to keep or renew your liquor license as the provision for having a liquor license clearly makes reference to NO criminal record.

Here are a few other things you need to consider…

A staff member must be allowed to object to working in or having to pass though a smoking area without fear or victimization or retaliation. The law also states that if requested to do so by a staff member, an establishment must protect its staff from the harmful effects of tobacco. Failure to do this may result in a fine of up to R100 000.

Cigarette vending machines and other tobacco products may only be displayed INSIDE the non-smoking area or where persons under the age of 18 cannot gain access. Please note, the Act makes provision for entrapment to ensure you are complying with this. That in effect means that an under aged person may be sent into your establishment to try and purchase tobacco products or access your cigarette machine. Furthermore, a vending machine selling tobacco products may not sell anything else.

No person under the age of 18 is permitted in the smoking area, with or without the permission of their parents and once again the law is quite clear… The onus for compliance rests entirely with the owner or management of the establishment.

At this stage you are probably fuming and swearing or about to call a mate to complain. As previously stated I have some very strong views on smoking and even stronger views on the act and how it is being applied BUT none of these views have any relevance to the information contained in this document and I urge you all to read it carefully and familiarize yourself with its content. The days of skirting the issue and paying lip service are over, if you do not want to see your business go “up in smoke” now is the time to make some hard and far reaching decisions.

Below you may download the actual act and information pertaining to it.

Smoking Laws 29 September 2000

Smoking Laws Amendment 2009

Mrs Addict and I are on our way to Pietermaritzburg to celebrate the FIFTIETH birthday of my mate Mork From Ork. We arrive early, browse Exclusive Books (where the cashier Nompele decided I once again didn’t need my 5c change!!!) and move on to Wimpy for some light refreshment. That is a decaff cuppuccino for Mrs Addict and toasted anchovy and strawberry milkshake for me (some people never grow up)

We order the drinks and watch the staff argue for five minutes while they decide who is in fact going to take our order for the one slice of anchovy toast. In the mean time, at least the manageress has her coffee and toast and is quite oblivious to our struggle to order

The cuppuccino arrives looking like very hot milky coffee with not a spot of foam in site (heaven forbid it should actually resemble the marketing material) The anchovy toast is next and this can only be described as warm soggy bread with a semblence of something reddish lightly smeared on one side.

I know it is only 6am but I didn’t set the operating times, you did and if you can’t find friendly capable staff to serve us at that time of morning, you don’t deserve our custom or our cash.

Then the final suprise was discovering that a decaf cuppuccino costs R3 more than a regular. Note to ops and marketing “tell the customer before they get the bill”

Oh well I will certanly continue to visit Wimpys around the country just maybe not at ORT

Every Tuesday we run a R1 smoothee special. i.e. buy a regular sized wrapp and get our smoothee special for just R1. We run smoothees that are different to our regular menu every Tuesday such as “Yoghurt, cucumber and mint”, “Strawberry, Plum and Acai berry” today’s special. The purpose is three fold. One to try to identify new smoothee lines, two to position ourselves as the number one choice for smoothees, three to keep the menu interesting.

All our smoothees are made with Fresh Fruit and fruit juice, no powders or artificial flavours!!!!

So all I can suggest… Put him to the test!

Visit The Website Here

PS First 15 people to send me their postal address using the CONTACT ME page will receive Global Wrapp vouchers by return mail. Sorry offer only valid in South Africa

The young boy tragically killed in a motor car accident, a young lady dying after a short illness, a child on a bicycle in Pretoria, a young child in a water purification tank and the one that has each and everyone of fighting back the tears, the tragic loss of Vanilla Nurse in a freak fire in her parents car in their home.

To everyone affected by these tragic losses, to the parents, the siblings, the friends and family, I would love to be able to offer you some words of comfort or a choice explanation from the bible that I know would never be able to comfort me. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you as you wrestle to come to terms with such unimaginable circumstances.

I came across  the words of Justin Nurse (Vanilla’s Dad) that were forwarded to me in an email but I believe originated in THE STAR newspaper, and I would like to share them with you if you have not yet seen them…

These are his words:

“The 2nd of September 2009 was Vanilla’s second birthday. We had bought her a trampoline, and the plan was to enjoy the day together at our home, The Snakehouse, in Capri – just jumping up and down.”No elaborate party where we ran around as hosts. Just a handful of family and friends, and a few playmates. For it is far easier to busy oneself with distractions than it is to consciously engage with a curious toddler.

You see my late mother Sadie was 48 when she passed away in 1984. In fact she was 48 years and 1 month old when she died. Besides the sudden realisation of just how young she was, it also had me wondering about what I would do if I had one month left to live.

I mean one month is not exactly enough time to fulfill a bucket list, maybe a tablespoon is all I would have time for. So, what would I do? I have few regrets and have been fortunate enough to do quite a few things that may appear on some bucket lists…

• I have jumped out of a plane
• I have jumped off a cliff’
• I have stepped off the edge at the Victoria Falls
• Soured over the Magaliesberg in a hot air balloon
• Seen quite a few countries around the world
• Done all the amusement park rides I ever dreamed of
• Been a son, a brother (three times), a boyfriend, a friend, a scholar, a student, a waiter, a restaurant owner, a husband, a step father, a father, a son-in-law, an uncle, a brother-in-law and even a fool

I have laughed till I cried and cried till I laughed and wonder is there much left to do. SHIT I HOPE SO!

So what would I do in my last month on this earth?

Well for one thing I would like to try and thank a zillion people I didn’t thank enough. From friends and family to staff and bosses, from teachers and students to strangers who made my day with a smile or a comment or just by letting me into the traffic, I would really like to thank them all again PERSONALLY

Then there are those I have hurt and those I have harmed and those who I didn’t even know I had offended, to them I would like to look them in the eye and say SORRY. (I am not certain a month would be enough for that, but hey it’s all I have).

There is plenty of advice I would love to dispense, wise words for the girls, words of wisdom for my friends, encouragement for some and just a joke for others. I am no philosopher so they may just have to make do with a few well chosen quotes or some of my really old jokes.

Speaking of which here is one for the middle aged… A 48 year old man goes along to the doctor complaining that things are not quite as hard as they used to be (Good if you are in business, bad if you are in bed) and that he is expecting a bumper weekend with an old flame. “Take one of these” says the doctor “and you will enjoy 36 hours of freedom”

After the weekend our 48 year old returns to the doctor “Fantastic Doc, FanFrigginTastic, 9 times Doc, 9 times”
“Ah” says the Doc “I suppose you need something for your back?”

Nope says the 48 year old, “Something for my wrist, she didn’t pitch up!”

And so back to the “bucket list”

I would like to hear the shofar blow on the first morning of Rosh Hashana, and hear the Chazan sing Kol Nidre, go for a run and a ride on my bike. I would like to build a house for someone who needs one, plan an education for someone who can’t afford one. Eat ice-cream with my girls, eat a steak with my mates, some prawns with the love of my life, (Aka Mrs Addict), swap old jokes with my dad, watch some live cricket with my brother, visit my sister and talk about STUFF, any stuff will do.

So here’s the thing, I am in good health and God willing will be around for a long time to bore you all to tears with my blogs and my jokes and if I don’t wait toooooo long to start, I may just complete this list and a whole lot more before they call my name at role-call.

To my late mother, who was so young and so brave as she fought her Cancer and shielded us from the pain and the anxiety she must have been feeling, I dedicate this birthday to you. I miss you so much.

I came across an interesting concept on the WWW (World Wide Wait at the moment, “Hey what’s happening to my bandwidth?”) that I thought I would share with you. The concept is called Do It Day and it happens on the 18th September. In a nutshell “On Friday, 18th September 20,000 South Africans will join forces to paint, plant, clean, read, teach, share and empower their communities. What will you do?”

I am not certain why only 20 000 and maybe my 6 readers and I can make it 20 007. Do It Day projects are categorised into ‘heart’, ‘head’ and ‘sweat’ projects. An example of a heart project might be reading to the elderly at a care home in your community, whilst a head project might be using your computer skills to create a database or a website for a local organisation. Sweat projects simply require hard work and vary from fixing a roof to creating food gardens.

So what will I do? I will sign up for one of the many HEAD projects on Career Guidance and offer to speak to high school pupils about Marketing or The Restaurant Industry and see if I can offer some assistance. I will also chat to my girls and ask them which project they would like to be part of on Friday after school.

So here is my challenge to all of you… Do Something on Do It Day 2009. And be warned, I will be checking up on each and every one of you.

I am looking for restaurant vouchers, donations, your HEADS, HEARTS and SWEAT… Just drop me a line using the comments page and if you can’t get away from work for a few hours, I will arrange collections, deliveries, anything… Just make a difference because you CAN.

Visit DO IT DAY 2009 by clicking HERE